“You should be angry. You must not be bitter. Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. It doesn’t do anything to the object of its displeasure. So use that anger. You write it. You paint it. You dance it. You march it. You vote it. You do everything about it. You talk it. Never stop talking it.”
- Maya Angelou (via theremixkid)
I lol’d out loud. :)
Just one more time…
I think that that phrase or some iteration of that phrase is the mantra of anyone who has problems with addictions or addictive behaviors in their life.
I’ll try it just this once…
One more time, then I’m done…
Once more can’t hurt…
Today is the last day…
I’ll give it up tomorrow (next week, next month, for New Year’s)…
I’ve had my eating disorder in my life since I was seven (at least, that’s the earliest I can recall acting in a eating disordered way). That makes it on a whole nearly 28 years I’ve been dealing with those behaviors and their repercussions in my life.
My particular brand of eating disorder takes on many forms. It’s not a clear cut case of anorexia, bulimia, compulsive overeating, or binge eating. It’s as insidious as a noxious gas. It moves and changes and morphs to fit different situations and times in my life. Sometimes I think that my eating disorder is like a Swiss Army Knife. I have accessed and used all of the following disordered eating behaviors; bingeing, purging, compulsive overeating, restricting both water and food, compulsive over exercise, compulsive gum chewing, abuse of laxatives, and orthorexic behaviors.
My eating disorder has been used as an excuse for or a means of dealing with other big players in my mental health issues. I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, PTSD, and insomnia.
Why say all of this? Because I’ve allowed the one more time excuse to creep back in. It’s a thought. Probably the most basic of all the urges I deal with. It’s a continual whisper, or it can be an angrily defiant shout. In times of weakness and stress, it becomes a comfort. A lullaby that draws me toward my den of demons.
I’m deeply ashamed and disappointed that I’ve resorted to acting out again. I’ve gone the rounds in eating disorder treatment three times in the past three years. I just graduated from my last round of treatment three weeks ago. I’ve piled up a massive amount of debt because of that. I’ve lost friends and damaged my body due to my behavior. I’ve even been driven to the dark hole of suicidal thoughts and plans.
Now, I need to apply that phrase to save myself, again. Just one more time, I’m going to try reaching out again. One more time I’m going to try out a therapist.
I’m going to do what I can to undo the havoc I’m wreaking.
One more time.
“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, nor to worry about the future, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly.”
- Buddha (via lazyyogi)