It was an interesting bit of coincidence that my Love Me Anyways bracelet and my tattoo matched themselves up.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of Love Me Anyways. I have next to no problem loving other people, despite their idiosyncrasies and faults. I’m good at accepting people for who they are.
I am not, however, good at accepting and loving myself.
I just graduated from a six month stint in an intensive outpatient program for eating disorders. I’ve been following the rules and guidelines, and doing everything they’ve asked me to do. There is pride in that accomplishment.
As a result of following those rules and guidelines, I’ve been losing weight. This week, I needed to start wearing clothes a size smaller than I have been. People have been commenting that I “look good!”
So what does my screwed up, broken mind do? It immediately turns to self-destructive urges and behaviors.
What the hell?!?
What is it about me that won’t let myself succeed? Why can’t I accept my accomplishments and continue to grow from them? Why do I punish myself when I achieve one of my goals?
It’s upsetting that my biggest enemy is myself.
5 things about me
I’ve been tagged by projectbadass89, therefore you get to read 5 things about me. :)
1- I own 59 pairs of Converse sneakers, as well as one knock-off pair. My latest acquisition is a pair of low top cupcake print ones.
2- I always look at the night sky and try to find the Orion constellation. I don’t really know why, but I just enjoy seeing it there, and tracking its movements across the sky.
3- One of my very favorite things to do in school as a kid was to take standardized tests. I would make it a race to be sure I was done first, and then I savored being able to read whatever book I was devouring at the time. I’ve never had anxiety at any point when taking one, including the AEPA, which is the certification test for teachers in Arizona.
4- I have no great love of cats, mostly because they seem to as a species have taken a distinct dislike of me. I can’t seem to get on good terms with them, so I maintain a respectful distance.
5- My favorite lift is the deadlift. My current one rep max is 315 pounds. I feel very proud of that. I also enjoy back squats, my other best lift. My one rep max for that is 265 pounds. Not currently a big fan of running though. I have some mental blocks to overcome with that one.
In the past couple of months, I’ve turned into a reblog blogger. I think it’s time to get back to writing out what’s been going on. I’ll hold off for tonight, but tomorrow I’ll start the catch up.